Trinity's Golden Nuggets
Welcome to my 'Golden Nuggets' on The Riviera Woman. Firstly, let me introduce myself. My name is Trinity Golden. I know, I know, what kind of name is that? My mom always wanted to have three children but just when she thought she would never be blessed, along I came. I was her miracle baby and so that is why she named me 'Trinity'. As for Golden, that's just my name.
Do you believe in the 'raison d'etre'? Admittedly I am a skeptic but I do like to seize an opportunity. Now this is going to sound extremely wacky. I met Anna on two separate occasions at two different UK airports. When she first told me about The Riviera Woman, I was intrigued but I honestly didn't think any more about it. Then I saw her a second time a couple of months later and I knew immediately that this was not just any coincidence. I travel a lot. I am an American, outspoken and I love who I am. Following weeks of discussion, I decided to become a contributor but not just any contributor but an opinionated contributor. Talk to me and I will tell you what I think. Prepare yourself as I don't take prisoners and I tell it as I see it. I am here to free you from whatever is dragging you down. If you feel burdened by something, then don't hold back, let me know.
If you are in agony, talk to the aunty and let's see what we can do. Email me: email@example.com.
My replies to you will be published right here. If you don't want to be named, just tell me and I will respect your identity. No email addresses will be printed.
Dear Ms Golden,
It is not long since I lost my husband. I had been married for 14 years and very happily but I am not one to sit around and mope . I loved and still love him so very much and if I could have a magic wand that would bring him back to me I would but I can't. What has surprised me is that I have met someone new. It was totally unexpected and I wasn't looking for anyone. At the moment my new relationship is casual and he has been a great support to me which has allowed me to focus on the future. Now here's the but! My husband's family have retaliated saying I am disrespectful, hard hearted and cruel to his memory. I just want to move on. What can I do or say to make them understand this? Regards Daisy
Life is for living! I have no doubt that in your private moments, you reflect. Everyone handles grief in their own way and I can relate to that from the heart. I have to say it though, and I think they are cruel by trying to make you feel less worthy. The death of a loved one, is one of the most terrible things anyone can experience. I don't think you need to justify anything to anyone but you do come across as a considerate person and at the end of the day you have written to me with your concerns and that says that you do care. A suggestion would be to have a get together with his family and talk about the special memories of your husband, share moments with your mother-in-law, such as 'Do you remember when he or we did...' In his mother's eyes, she lost him twice, once when you married him and the second time was permanent and it is obvious that her grieving process is taking much more time than you. But you have to live your life and you are doing nothing wrong. The loss you feel is equal to anyone's else and it is not a competition. I wish you well Daisy and be happy and embrace your future.
I have been in a relationship since 1998, 16 years, he had been married previously for 26 years and had 2 sons. We quickly became involved and got engaged I spent 3 years with him going through his divorce and I contributed to his Lawyer fee's as we worked together.
I then bought a house and his father was the guarantor on the mortgage because I had no rating as I didn't really do a lot of credit.
Very quickly the funds were being spent on renovations and furniture and he began work in Construction and all was going fine. We had a cottage on the land which we rented for $650 a month and the mortgage was only $850 so we were in a great situation.
I then get a knock at the door and was greeted with a brown envelope saying the mortgage on the house had not been paid for 3 months. My partner had decided not to pay it as he was anticipating getting 50% from his own properties after his divorce came through but the Judge gave both houses to the Ex and the grown up sons.
I was obviously annoyed that he had lied to me about not paying my mortgage and other bills with the money I had given him. As a result of the arrears I had to sell the house and we decided to come to France to start again, get married and have a family, I wanted to adopt but he had a vasectomy reversal so we could try both options...
When we first arrived in France he had a terrible time getting a job but eventually did. I put the cash from the house I sold (after paying outstanding debts) into an apartment and then a house which is now for sale as after all this I am still not married and we have no children he sleeps on the sofa we do not have sex and he says we are not married because I wanted too much years ago in the beginning and he felt he could not provide these things... My question is if he changed his mind why wasn't I informed, and if we were not on the same page ie: first and foremost MARRIAGE and Kids, I only came to France with him to get married have a family, work together for a nice home, car, lifestyle, so if this was something he felt he couldn't provide or want to do with me why didn't I know this? I now feel he only came here to avoid paying his Ex maintenance in the US and I had the money from the house I sold, in the bank...he denies this of course.
I am now in a situation where I am totally isolated by this person who acts like butter wouldn't melt (As I write he is downstairs not speaking doing his own thing, it's a vile existence) I am very disappointed in this situation and I am drinking too much vino because it settles my mind a little after all of this disappointment and depression, although recently I have been pushing myself to meet with new people and I always get invited to nice parties etc. in the meantime he has problems with his passport as the US have issued a warrant for him due to not paying his ex the monthly maintenance and apparently taking money for construction work that he didn't finish, I was unaware of this at the time.
Again the debt collectors have been banging at the door demanding money for back taxes and unpaid electric bills. I even had to beg his employer to loan us this money and pay it back over 4 months hence we have less than we normally do to live on.
I feel miserable and this relationship is horrible. I am constantly angry and vicious toward him and I am being accused of going off with other men. I am not having affairs I am too disgusted in men and I am scared this situation has put me off completely also, I am obviously not going to meet my husband and have kids at this stage in life hence the anger and resentment toward him is HUGE....
I do not know if I want kids now but after going to a lovely dinner with lots of kids present, it was another reminder of what a failure this relationship has been and what a lonely nothing person I will be in the future with no family....
He insults me and tells me I drink too much and that just because I'm attractive doesn't mean anyone will want to be with me, it seems he wants to put me down and he has. When I scream on about all the things he has done, he drinks a bottle of red wine and throws insults and tells me it's all my fault.
I need to hear from someone with an outsider point of view as to whether I am going MAD or do I just expect too much from a relationship or am I just plain being lied to by an incompetent average Joe who just isn't the man for me?
As things stand, I could return to the US to work as I have contacts who are ready with open arms to giving me a job again, so that will be fine and hopefully I won't feel so threatened of losing my home because it will be paid for and I will be responsible for myself and maybe then the right person will come along who knows... I thought he had 16 years ago....
You say you are honest and I would appreciate it if you can give me your opinion...
My Answer: Note:- This letter has been shortened to protect the identity of the person.
Before I start to answer to you - let me reassure you that I will never break your confidence and I want to take this opportunity of thanking you for being so open with me. You are very brave... it is not easy to open up your heart in the way that you have done. It is so evident from what you are saying that you are beating yourself up, and this before ANYTHING must stop. You must not find refuge in a bottle. What will that solve?
You ask for my viewpoint, and from the outside looking in, I see two people that are very unhappy. One person set on self-destruct and another frantic for change. You are that latter person but you have to choose change or else life will pass you by and you will start to have deep issues with resentment and that is poisonous. No-one should be subjected to a life of unhappiness. I DO understand. I also understand that it is never easy to just up-sticks and leave. You are self aware and this is good. You know that you have great potential and you are capable of being someone special. Sometimes two people are just not meant to be and all that is happening is that the worst feelings are constantly emerging, whoever is or is not at fault. Find that incentive to be who you want to be and where you want to be. Fifty is a young age today and who cares what age you are, you have a right to be happy!! With 50 years of life skills and experience under your belt, you have at least another 40 years to do some serious rocking! You know, I took on board what you said about feeling alone because you have no family of your own and that you feel scared... Don't be scared... as you well know, you can pick your friends but not your family.
Whatever you decide to do about where you go to live, do it because you have opportunity and not because you are running away. Deal with all those demons and find the peace within you and go and live your life. Please heed on one thing... marriage will not solve your problems, I feel now, it will only cause you more problems and a proposal may be an excuse to keep you. Empower this situation and choose to rise because it appears from what you write, that together you risk a huge fall. You are not responsible for making his life better as we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. I obviously do not know his situation or anything from his point of view but it was you who made the first step and wrote to me and that says to me that you are ready to move on. I hope to hear from you again but remember 'fear' is the greatest barrier to happiness. If you better your situation, then you will be in a stronger position to influence and help others. The best investment you can make, is in you - with the right mind set, you will attract the like-minded but don't be in a rush. It will happen.
I feel quite excited for you. You have opportunity and that is key!
Sincere and warm wishes.
Ian, an almost 60 year old and I have been in an unfulfilling marriage for 35 years. I was lucky enough to visit the Rivera last fall for 2 and a half weeks with my oldest daughter. While there we met a man at a restaurant. I felt a strong attraction. He flirted, I did as well.he asked for the name of our hotel. I did not tell him. A few nights later we saw him again. He joined us and offers to drive us to a town we wanted to visit. My first thought was no. I said yes. It was magical. He is married as well and.we had a 3 day romance. No hope for the future was given. I went back alone this year to the same area. He and I had a week to ourselves. It was magical. I felt like he knows I am hooked on him. He wined and dined me took me on day trips. No word of any hope for the future. I plan to leave my husband. I have already asked several times for a separation. My question am I nuts to be obsessed with this fellow? I do not want to chase him. I can barely afford to travel one time a year. The intimate times I had with him are the only times in a year and a half. He is the second person I have been intimate with. My husband has health problems and no interest. Also we live at least 9 hours by plane from one another, the fellow and me. Unhappy at home
Hello Unhappy at home: How are you today? The title of your name is the place where you should try and solve your problem. Holiday romances are usually exactly just that. You should not have to stride across the world to find what you call happiness. The happiness should be within you, it is a state of mind and where you are should be of no consequence. Why is it that you are making this journey across from the States? I don’t hear you say that your lover is offering to travel to see you. You say that he is married so has he stated his intent to leave his wife? In answer to your question ‘am I nuts...?’. I think you are deluding yourself that this can work without any discussion of a commitment from either of you. You need to talk to your husband. You need to establish what it is that you want in life. After 35 years of marriage, you owe it to each other to talk and establish where the problems lie and if your issues are truly irreconcilable, seek to spend time apart in order to discover what it is that you want. At the moment I feel that you are not sure of who you are or what you want. What about your daughters? Are you able to discuss your feelings with them? Everyone deserves to be happy. You deserve to be happy but do not do anything rash as you will not thank yourself for it and you may be putting yourself in danger by being compromised by someone you have met only briefly. I wish you luck and you are welcome to let me know how you get on. Remember, seek to find your inner peace.
I married someone twenty years older than myself. I do love him very much and the age has never been in question but he wants to have children and I don’t. I did discuss this with him before we got married and although he joked with me saying that he was sure I would change my mind, I haven’t and never will and I did stress this to him. I have a very good position and I really do not want to give up my work to start a family. I am not being selfish, it is just that I do not feel maternal and I have always felt this way. Recently my husband has started to pressure me by saying that he doesn’t want to be too old when he becomes a father. At dinner parties he keeps telling our friends of all the plans he has for when the children arrive. I really do not know what to do? I feel so very strong about this but I am beginning to feel that this issue will put our marriage in jeopardy. I can’t talk to anyone because all my friends have children and can’t understand why I don’t want them. What am I to do? Virginia
To Virginia: This is not an easy one to resolve Virginia and you already know it. I have received quite a few letters in the past just like yours and the outcome has been varied. In the worst scenario, you possibly stand to lose your husband. I share your concerns and do not feel he is being fair talking about the situation in public. You appear to be adamant that you do not want children and I have to applaud you on your decision because you know your own mind. Let’s approach this as positively as possible. Arrange to meet with your husband in a neutral place or somewhere that you know you feel comfortable and you just have to express how distressed you are feeling that you do not share his one desire. If you are as determined as you say you are not to have children, be open and honest with your husband by telling him that if he is really needing to take on the role of fatherhood, ask him if he would prefer that you both parted so he can pursue this journey. If he feels that he stands the chance of losing you, perhaps he may start to accept your wishes and come to terms with this – if this is not acceptable and he choses children over you, then as hard as it will be, at least you know. There are no winners and losers in a situation as this. Do not brush him off by saying that maybe in a year or two you may feel different – maybe you will but don’t say it just to keep him hanging on, he won’t be too pleased about it and may resent you. Give him the choice. Please keep in touch – you are not on your own and thank you for sharing this with me.
I am so bored with my life. I came across your section whilst browsing through Facebook. That's how boring my life is! I just don't know what to do? I am just feeling so deflated and not motivated at all, sometimes I can't even be bothered to get dressed in the morning. I wasn't always like this and I really don't know why I am feeling this way. HELP. Margo
Well hello Margo! Thank you Facebook and thank you The Riviera Woman or else you would not have found me! I am bothered and I am bothered that you have so little regard to this beautiful thing called LIFE and you have the gift of choice! So enough already and enough of this talk. You're in a vicious circle and you have to break the cycle. I obviously don't know what was the catalyst to your negative thinking and what I say next you may mock but until you try it, you won't know. Get into your day clothes and get yourself down to a salon and book yourself a hair appointment and let a stylist work his magic on you. You need a lift, something to stop you sinking. You will be surprised how much better you will feel and do let me know.
I live in an area that has a strong community spirit with people seeing everything you do and always paying an interest. All was good until recently when I stepped into my local post office and I suddenly felt as though I was being talked about. I have been living here for a couple of years so I know quite a few people but this made me feel uneasy because I really didn’t know what was going on. I spoke to my husband about it and he just laughed it off and said it was my imagination. A couple of weeks later, the same thing happened so I asked one of the women I know if there was something wrong but she said no but to me she sounded defensive. I called in on a friend and asked if she had heard anything. She told me that my husband had been seen coming out of a woman’s house on several occasions in the afternoon. I said this was impossible as he works some 50 kms away. I don’t know this woman personally as she lives in another part of the village but could something be going on? I have found out her name and when I asked my husband if he knew anyone of that name, he denied it. What do I do? Do I confront this woman? Do I continue to pursue the subject with my husband? He already things I am paranoid and something has changed. I feel so vulnerable. JM
Hallo JM! This is what nightmares are made of! This is beginning to sound a bit like the ‘Stepford Wives’ syndrome. No baby no! Trust your own judgement. I know you said you feel vulnerable but when all in paradise feels like hell, it ain’t easy to carry on and you should certainly not dismiss your feelings. You could play detective or ask your friend if she would be happy to find out more about this woman. But she may not know of the circumstances, so don’t go head to head into battle. Too stressful. I would suggest talking to your husband about his day, if he is working on a new project and whether it takes him out of the office. If he starts to react negatively, don’t give up and cower down and refrain from playing the victim. If your husband is indeed playing the field, be tough, be empowering. You are important and you deserve to be treated well.
Dear Miss Golden,
I need an opinion that relates to my daughter. She was recently approached by a photographer saying that he wanted to take some photos of her to be submitted to a model agency. I know that money was requested from my daughter but she won’t tell me how much or about the photographer, except that he told her how she could be the next ‘Super Model’. She is very beautiful but I don’t like what I have been told, plus I haven’t seen any photographs either. Am I being an over protected mom or should I be concerned? Lisa.
Hell no! You are not being over protected at all. She’s your daughter. I can see from your details that you live on the Riviera. Let me tell you something, no BONIFIDE model agency would ever request money up front or photographs that have been professionally produced. Agencies have runners who search for raw talent. Potential candidates are often requested to send the most simple of photographs with a little or sometimes no makeup as the focus is on trend and freshness and whether the face fits a marketing campaign. They know what they are looking for. So caution is justified and again a big NO to paying money. I would go as far as to say that this could be a scam. Further note, does this photographer have a website? And what about the model agency?
This is difficult for me. I am supposed to be living the dream but I am so unhappy. I live near Cannes with the sun and sea and it is beautiful. I have two young boys and they have started school. My husband works and he often goes away and I find myself feeling so alone. I miss my friends and my family. I am scared to say anything because everyone wishes they were me, saying how lucky I am to live here. I’ve changed and I don’t know who I am anymore. Any advice, any at all I am sure would help. M
Well, this is a common situation that expats find themselves in. You don’t say how long you have been here. You have to tell me as much as possible, I won’t bite. Living in a paradise only works if you have a plan. After the sun goes down, you have to substitute it with a routine that will help you engage with local life. Your friends back home will be horrified if you haven’t told them how you are feeling. That’s what friends are for! As for you changing, that’s another issue. Are you being true to yourself and perhaps you changed a long time ago but now you have the time to reflect because you have no-one to talk to but yourself. If you can’t visit friends and family, invite them to see you-distance allowing. There are many expat websites where you can introduce yourself to but if you are not ready to physically meet people, email.other women that you see doing things. Also, if there is a local café bar, grab a coffee with your favourite book and perhaps anyone coming in may just come to talk to you and open conversation. You must learn to speak to people.