The other day I mistook a plastic bag, which was flapping around on a fence, for a heron. Time for an eye-test, clearly. Modern eye-tests are no longer bits of cardboard covering one eye, with the optician in uncomfortable proximity, today we have the technology. After 1 hour I was shown, by a very proud, young optician, a photograph of the back of my eyeballs, surreal, yet strangely alluring. 

A few days later, an equally, over-enthusiastic, scannist asked me if I wanted to listen to the blood-flowing around my (thankfully) healthy liver. It felt rude to decline, and I’m very glad I didn’t.  It was an experience. I’ve never been to Niagra Falls and now have no need- nothing could improve on that sound - and no need for a water-proof poncho. Only last year I was shown my own left kidney, again, via a scan, it hadn’t escaped - which has been poorly since childhood. Yet again, it was a postitive invitation - ‘it IS poorly’, the scannist said, ‘but it’s holding on in there and will see you out’. Worrying AND re-assuring at the same time?

The phase of life when bits start to wear out is stealthy and discreet, if you are fortunate. The alternative is the stuff of nightmares. Imagine, if you dare, waking up and finding that all your teeth have fallen out in the night, suddenly, rather than giving you fair warning and your dentist big cash. Or your joints all ached at the same time, rather than the slow back-pain and odd pulled muscle. This would make for a miserable existence and sadly, a reality for some. However, my beef comes from the mawkish marketing of aches and pains - don’t watch daytime TV, is my advice. If you accidently switch on (to innocently catch the news), you are drawn into the world of gadgets for pain-relief, for bits of the body you never knew about, least of all gave you grief, but now they will, and your wallet, more so. Modern body-appliances do not come cheap, probably more cost-effective to have a physician living in your spare room.

If you take a look around your pharmacy, it is no longer an emporium which sells prescriptions and talcum powder, instead looks like a hospital pre-operation room. In private surroundings, you can take your own blood pressure, diabetes test, attach yourself to a TENS machine, and buy a heat-pad for any body part which moves or swings about (thermostat mandatory). There are mechanisms which pod and poke you, which have their own power supply yet require no training or test before use? Of course it is a conspiracy - the paramedic sector now provide the patients for mainstream health systems. Emergency rooms must be bursting with folk who have mis-applied a testing gadget, setting fire to delicate parts of their anatomy? What a wheeze - a permanent supply of hospital patients, thus maintaining hospital funding - don’t think you have fooled us?

As a post-script, I’ve just returned from a routine dental check-up. Yes, you’ve guessed, I had an x-ray which beamed the inside of my cranium onto a massive screen - my pearly-whites were transformed into something recently seen in a Dr Who episode. Only the pop-corn and action-packed music were missing. The digital world is, indeed both a bonus and a curse, fuelling over-consumption and over-obsession with self-examination, all unnecessary until it becomes so - then it is our saviour...there are many things, Horatio...many things….